GRIZ BEAR COMMENTS A young man trapped in an old man's body

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mrs. Griz, a nurse, often tells me that it can be upsetting to Alzheimer’s patients to have a mirror in their rooms because they don’t recognize themselves at their real age but remember themselves as much younger.

Well, I haven’t been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s yet and, though not pleased with what I see, haven’t disputed the fact that the old fat man in the mirror is me. But, at times, it’s the photographs that trouble me.

I do try to stay behind the camera but occasionally Mrs. Griz starts takingpictures with me in them - and sometimes without me even knowing that she’s done it. She went with me a week or so ago when I was taking a few photos and getting some information for a story. At one point, I asked her to hold my camera while I sat down and talked with an older gentleman there and took notes.

Later, when I was going through the photos, I found one I liked of these two old men sitting and talking. I knew one of them because I had interviewed and photographed him but I didn’t recognize the other andeven thought it was one of the other men I had spoken with there earlier - until I noticed he had on a shirt and vest just like mine.

“It couldn’t be,” I thought. “I’m not that old!”

But it was. Mrs. Griz even verified it when I asked her about the photos. She admitted taking a couple of shots while I was in the midst of an interview and writing down notes. She assured me that the unidentified old man was indeed me.

I don’t know if that’s a sign of the onset of Alzheimer’s, but seeing myself as an old man was a little disheartening. Mrs. Griz tried to comfort me by telling me it was just bad lighting, but I don’t honestly think good lighting would have made me look any younger.

The truth is I don’t thinkof myself as that old, or that fat in the midsection. But, as I’ve been heard to say before, camera’s don’t lie, even though there are a few tricks good photographers know to make a person look their best.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really a young man trapped in an old body. Though I don’t think of myself as old yet, I have more evidence than photographs. I can feel it every morning when I get up and almost every time I try to take on physical tasks which used to cause me no pain or shortness of breath.

Yes, it’s true some regular exercise would help a bit. Eating less might too. But there are some things that just can’t be fixed anymore. I’ll never be a young man again.

When I think of some ofthe less-intelligent things I did as a young man, I don’t really want to go back. But it would be nice to have the physical agility to do the more-intelligent things I’ve learned over the years.

All this reminds me of a story I once heard. I think it was an illustration to teach me something, but I can’t remember what that something is I was supposed to remember by means of the illustration - another bad sign. The story went like this:

An old man and his wife lived alone in a small backwoods cabin and had very little contact with the outside world. For a reason I can’t remember either, a group of city folks spent a few days camping in the same area.

When they left, the old man found a mirror inthe items left behind at the campsite. When he looked into the mirror, he said, “I’ll be, it’s a picture of Pappy.”

The old man took the mirror back to his cabin and hid it away in some of his personal stuff in the loft. While he was out hunting in the woods, his wife snuck up into the loft to see what her husband had hidden there.

When she came across the mirror and looked into it, she said, “So that’s the old hag he’s been running around with.”

I think I’m beginning to relate - except, of course, that Mrs. Griz is still young and beautiful!

Randy Moll is the managing editor of the Westside Eagle Observer. He may be reached by e-mail at rmoll @ nwaonline .com.

Opinion, Pages 6 on 11/17/2010