Whose idea was it for men, at least on certain occasions, to wear a suit and tie? That question crosses my mind almost every time I have to go to my closet and get out those dress pants, a dress shirt, a matching tie and that suit coat. It just doesn’t make a lick of sense!
Dress slacks usually aren’t thick enough to keep a fellow warm in the winter, and they don’t breathe enough in the summer to be cool. If you try to do the least bit of work in them, they snag and tear. And then, when you go to clean them, most are dry-clean only. What a waste!
Dress shirts wouldn’t be too bad if a fellow didn’t have to button them all the way up to the top untilthey begin to pinch his neck and make it difficult to breathe. And then, just to make a choking death more certain, a colorful matching tie is added.
What’s the value of a necktie anyway? It’s not needed to hold a fellow’s shirt collar shut and looks improper if worn for that purpose - I know; I’ve tried it when that top button popped off or turned up missing.
There are a wide variety of tie knots a fellow can use - among them the Pratt, the Windsor and the half - Windsor. To be honest with you, I can’t tell you which knot I use without putting on a tie and tying it, and even then I’m not sure I’d know without charting out each step of the knot. Iknow it’s not a half-Windsor or “half-hitched” as some used to say of the incomplete knots.
My dad taught me to tie a tie and I just do it - sometimes repeatedly to get the length right. I do know that the finished knot could be used to strangle a fellow with one hand grasping the narrow end of the tie and the other sliding the knot tighter and tighter around the neck.
Ties may have some value. I’ve used them to clean my glasses. On a number of occasions, they’ve kept spilled coffee from staining my shirt - the wide ones tend to work better as a bib. But otherwise, ties just seem to hang there and get into things, like the sink when I brush my teeth, or the zipper of my pants if I wear my tie too long.
And what of suit coats? They don’t button up enough to keep a fellow warm in the winter. Yet, they can still make a fellow sweat in the summertime! What good are they? Theydon’t look too bad if a fellow keeps his hands at his side, but lift up those arms or reach for something and the sleeves will likely pull up to one’s elbows. They don’t work well at all for driving. The tails get caught under my posterior when getting in and out of my pickup truck, and the sleeves restrict arm movement and make steering and shifting difficult.
Of course, if a fellow wears a suit, he’s expected to wear dress shoes as well. But they’re so uncomfortable and are almost completely worthless as well. Many are like wearing fancified house slippers - the soles are too thin and have no traction, and the uppers are made of materials which are easily ruined. Try hiking a few miles in your dress shoes, or wading across muddy streets, and you’ll know what I mean!
So, why is it that suits and ties are considered fitting dress attire for men? You can’t work in them. They’re hot in thesummer and don’t keep a fellow warm in the winter. The ties make it difficult to breathe and serve no purpose that could not be better met with a red handkerchief in a pocket or tied around the neck. And, above all, suits and ties are just plain uncomfortable! So why? Whose idea was it anyway?
I have a couple of those worthless garments in my closet, but I don’t wear them unless it is absolutely necessary. Mrs. Griz urges me to put one on from time-to-time, but I’d rather wear a loose fitting shirt and comfortable pair of blue jeans. A good pair of cowboy boots seem to be more fitting attire for a real man. If it gets a bit cool, I’ll put on a coat that actually keeps me warm and not a thin, decorative garment that can’t take a little dirt and wear and tear.
On a final note, I’d like to express my last will and testament to my wife and kids - though I doubt they’ll take my advice. Itmay be the proper and fitting thing to bury a fellow in his finest suit, but don’t! It’s uncomfortable enough to wear a suit and tie for an hour or two on some special occasion. I just can’t imagine being stuffed in a dry-clean-only suit and tie until judgment day.
I’d really prefer a loose fitting shirt and a comfortable pair of blue jeans. In case it rains and gets muddy, my cowboy boots would be more suitable than dress shoes. And I don’t even care if there are holes in the back pockets of my jeans, because nobody is going to look at that side anyway.
And, if you absolutely must dress me up in a suit and tie, could you at least have the mortician loosen my tie before he closes the coffin? I’d hate to be suffocating six feet under because my tie is too tight.
Randy Moll is the managing editor of the Westside Eagle Observer. He may be reached by email at rmoll@ nwaonline.com.
Opinion, Pages 6 on 10/24/2012