Can I add orthopedic surgeon to my resume?

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The repair jobs Mrs. Griz brings me to do for her (from the medical schools she manages) sometimes surprise even me, and it seems all the experiences are preparing me for some extra work in my retirement years, should I have to retire someday.

Repairs to vacuum cleaners, assembling chairs and cabinets and fixing locks are not all that surprising; but repairing dental equipment and replacing a compressor motor in one of them was. But the principle - similar to roadside repairs on a big truck - was the same and I was able to get the machines at her school back up and going again in a pinch. It’s surprising what a fellow can fi x with items purchased from an auto parts store.

To be honest with you, I don’t remember much from the lab work in biology classes in high school or college; but when a school microscope needed repair and purchasing digital microscopes became necessary, I got the job and even got to show the instructors how to use the new scopes, examining blood cells and tissue cells and looking at them on a digital screen.

I’ve fi xed everythingfrom computers to toilets - I prefer the computer repairs - so not a lot surprises me anymore. But last week my wife brought me something far different to repair; and, yes, it was a bit surprising. What was it? A model human skeleton with some rather severe fractures!

It seems the time change literally cost this fellow an arm and a leg because, when someone was taking down the clock to change it back to standard time, it fell and knocked over the skeleton, which caused the loss of a left arm and left leg and a bit of other skeletal damage to this poor fellow who, no doubt, also suffers a bit from osteoporosis.

Now, even though I’m not a medical school graduate, Mrs. Griz still expected me to reassemble this poor fellow. So, I did some thinking about how I could reattach bones, replace cartilage and do hip replacement surgery; and I finally came up with a treatment plan I thought would work.

I didn’t really know how to explain my needs to the hardware store clerk. How do you tell someone the stainless steel nuts and bolts are for skeletalrepair? But, with the right screws, pins, hooks, some glue and a little clear caulk, everything worked out OK. I reattached the leg bone to the hip bone, the radius and ulna to the humerus, and used some clear caulk to replace a little lost cartilage in the lower rib cage.

The limb reattachments went well. I think the fellow has full motion again. But I was a little skeptical about the cartilage replacement. How do you get the caulk to stay in place with no muscle or internal organs to hold the gooey stuff where it needs to be? I decided to squeeze out a stream of caulk close to the size and shape I needed and, when it started to harden a bit, place it between the lower sternum and the remaining cartilage on the lower rib cage. It worked. Then, carefully and with wetted fingers, I shaped the caulk to match the cartilage on the other side of the rib cage and let it set up over night.

By morning, Mr. Bones was as good as new and ready to go back to work at the school in his role as an instructor’s aide.

With my success, I may have to include orthopedic surgeon on my resume. Maybe I could take a few side jobs out of my garage when I retire.

Randy Moll is the managing editor of the Westside Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected].

Opinion, Pages 4 on 11/13/2013