WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A new third political party was organized last week in the wake of the failure of both the Republican and the Democrat parties to interest the ever-growing numbers of citizens who are unaffiliated with any political party and, for the most part, are not even registered to vote. APP, short for Apathetic People's Party, was formed on Aug. 15, when the new cell phone app called APP was launched and promoted on Google Play and iTunes.
The APP app allows U.S. residents, regardless of their residency status, to sign in and register as an APP member for free. Once registered, the APP app automatically registers new users to vote and lists them as members of APP for future preferential primaries to be held online through the APP app.
And, with going to the polls being such a bother, the APP app automatically sends a ballot to the user's cell phone on the day of each election. With just a few taps of the screen, the user's ballot is done and sent off to the election commission for tabulation.
For those who have no idea how to vote, the new APP app has a short profile questionnaire which a user can complete by tapping one's likes and dislikes. Then, when a new ballot suddenly appears, the user can tap once on auto fill and the ballot will be completed for the user and sent to the ballot inbox.
And for those who are truly apathetic to the core, a feature in APP settings allows the user to just let the APP app take care of the whole process. With the Total Auto Mode box ticked, when a ballot arrives, it is automatically completed and submitted without the user even lifting a finger. Users can vote without even knowing it's election day.
"We know how busy people are these days," said Sheldon Denerdo, developer of the new APP app. "They go to work or school and come home and just want to relax and catch up on their smart phones. With our new app, they don't have to be bothered with politics or with going to the polls. We'll handle it all for them with little or no effort on their part."
"I love this new app," said Sally Laurels. "I never took the time to study the issues before, and I didn't vote. But now, I can be a good citizen and never miss an election by simply responding to the notifications in my APP app and letting my new cellphone app vote for me."
"I am usually clueless when it comes to voting," said Tommy Noggendorf. "I don't even know when I should vote or what it's all about. With this APP app, I'll let my app tell me when it's time to vote and then let it handle the voting for me."
For those fed up with all the Republican and Democrat talk, APP has its own slate of candidates for president, vice president and will soon have candidates on the ballot for Congress and other state and local positions.
On the presidential ballot for APP is Jackson Slackly and his running mate, Debra Doolittle. Slackly is promising to do very little and leave people alone if he is elected.
"I realize that most people really don't care about what's going on in Washington," Slackly said. "I don't much care either and promise to do as little as possible if I'm elected. I just kind of believe in letting everybody do their own thing," he added.
Doolittle didn't respond to our calls. Her voice-mail message said she was unavailable and her voice mailbox had not yet been set up.
The latest online polls are showing the APP candidates pulling ahead of Trump and Clinton. Of those surveyed, most said they were just tired and apathetic about the whole political process and felt like the APP candidates were as good as any.
If the Apathetic People's Party doesn't win the election outright, it will likely do severe damage to the chances of any other candidates who depend largely on the support of apathetic voters who happen to stop when they pass by the polls on their way home from work and notice the polls are open for some reason.
While we were unable to verify the truthfulness of the claim, one unidentified source did say that the APP development company is actually a shell company under the control of a foreign government. We asked APP users if they were concerned about the claims, but most said they like the convenience and really didn't care.
S.A. Tired covers fictitious news from an unrealistic perspective for the Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. News and views in Spinning the News are claimed by no one else but the author.
Editorial on 08/24/2016