LITTLE ROCK — (July 2, 2016) — The Arkansas Legislature declared independence from the Union today after a legislative aide ran spell check on a copy of the 1776 Declaration of Independence and accidentally used the software’s replacement feature to substitute all references to “the present King of Great Britain” with “President Obama and the United States Government.”
“It was an eye-opener,” said George Taylor, representative for the 43rd District. “The abuses mentioned in the Declaration of Independence by America’s founding fathers fit perfectly when applied to President Obama and the current form of the United States Government. They have refused to assent to our laws which are wholesome and necessary for the public good and have suspended a lot of good laws which we passed and of which our people whole-heartily approved,” he said.
“Most certainly, the president and his cronies have ‘erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance,’” said Francis Lightfoot of District 13, citing one of the abuses in the 1776 Declaration.
The chief complaint cited by legislators was that the federal government was guilty of “abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments … and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.” The negating of laws protecting marriage, restricting abortion and forcing Obamacare upon the state were mentioned as examples.
As a result, the joint legislature met in special session today and considered it a duty to follow in the steps of America’s founders and declare independence from a new tyrannical ruler and now-corrupted form of government which, they said, are as guilty as the King of England ever was. The vote was unanimous, except for Ben Arnold, senator from District 36, who was away in Washington, seeking more grant funds for a start-up business in his district.
The exact wording of the new Declaration was still under debate on Saturday, but a joint committee of Arkansas representatives and senators is currently working on the wording of the new document declaring independence from the Union, with a vote scheduled on the final wording on Monday, July 4th.
The current draft includes the following introduction:
IN THE STATE LEGISLATURE, July 4, 2016.
The unanimous Declaration of the sovereign state of Arkansas,
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. — That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness … When a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this state; and such is now the necessity which constrains us to alter our former systems of government. The history of the President Obama Administration and the now-corrupted United States Government is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over our state … In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms. Our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A president and government whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Once the final wording is determined on July 4, the document will be printed, signed by all the Arkansas legislators (with the possible exception of Arnold) and the governor in August and sent by United States Postal Service to President Obama and the United States Government in Washington, D.C.
Jim Handy, senator for the second district, has already volunteered to be the first to sign.
“I’ll sign first,” Handy said, “and in big letters. We should put a statement above our signatures,” he added, “something like, ‘And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.’”
According to the USPS website, the Declaration, if mailed in August, should reach the White House and the president sometime in November of this year. Until then, at least, the state of Arkansas remains somewhat independent and free. It's anyone's guess what might happen after November.
S.A. Tired covers fictitious news from an unrealistic perspective for the Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. News and views in Spinning the News are claimed by no one else but the author.