A west-side chicken processing plant received an award for its humane treatment of chickens by People For the Existential Treatment of Animals. The award, presented at the processing plant on Thursday, commends the chicken-growing operation for making chickens' lives more meaningful.
The award was presented by Ava Livingston, spokesperson for PFETA (not to be confused with PETA), to Larry Pluckingheimer, president of the Paltry Poultry Processing Plant (not to be associated with other larger processing plants in the region also being considered for the award).
"This award applauds the Paltry Poultry Processing Plant for giving chickens a meaningful life," Livingston said. "Even though their lives are brief, they have real purpose and meaning, something not all chickens have," she said.
"We are honored to accept this PFETA award," Pluckingheimer said. "I trust our consumers will feel better about our product, knowing that our chickens lead meaningful lives -- lives with real purpose," he said.
George Feathers, an area grower, said his chickens are happy chicks from the day they are hatched to the day they complete their journey through life and arrive at the processing plant to be dressed and readied for the table.
"When they arrive at our farm, our chicks are given a clean and comfortable home and a life free of disease and parasites. They are kept warm and are fed the finest mixture of chicken feed," Feathers explained. "Our chickens are definitely happy chickens. They peep around the chicken house about it every day," he said.
Dr. Whitney Peabrain, agricultural psychologist, explained the true significance of the award from a chicken's point of view.
"A lot of chickens peck out meaningless lives on a farm yard, eating bugs and sifting through other animal droppings for their meager existence," Peabrain said. "Their lives have little or no meaning or purpose and they live in constant fear of predators -- whether it be a fox or weasel on the ground or a chicken hawk in the air.
"Chickens raised for Paltry Poultry Processing have pleasant and meaningful lives," she said. "From day one they have a purpose. And their lives, though measured in days rather than years, are pleasant. Paltry Poultry chickens live in a safe and secure environment, away from predators. They are fed the finest of feeds and don't have to worry from day to day where they will have to put their beaks to find enough food to eat. They are kept warm and comfortable and really lack nothing," she added.
"Add to that the social and psychological aspect," Peabrain said. "Paltry Poultry chickens have a great social life and are literally surrounded by thousands of chickens of their own age and social status. There is no loneliness and lack of social interaction," she said. "What could be better!"
"But what of those chickens we see smashed along the road," we wondered. "What went wrong there?" we asked.
"No matter how attentive growers are to their chickens' needs, there always seems to be a troubled bird or two in every flock that somehow slips through the cracks," Peabrain said. "Even though they have everything and their lives are great, they fail to grasp the true reason for their existence and end their lives in a depressed state along the highways rather than in a plump and purposeful serving upon a platter."
S.A. Tired covers fictitious news from an unrealistic perspective for the Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. News and views in Spinning the News are claimed by no one else but the author.
Editorial on 06/01/2016