Though I've been fighting it for years, I may finally be qualified to join AARP. I've finally met the criteria to qualify for membership.
The organization (formerly known as the American Association of Retired Persons) started sending me mail years before I even considered myself close to retirement age. That kind of bugged me. They counted me old and ready to retire when I thought of myself as young and just getting started.
Some folks join the organization because of the discounts AARP members can get on insurance and other things. I thought about it but then looked at the organization's stance on certain moral and political issues -- I was appalled. It seemed I had nothing in common with the group. I wasn't retired and I certainly wasn't retarded enough to espouse the organization's views on moral and political matters.
That, of course, made me rebrand the group, calling it the American Association of Retarded Persons -- I apologize to any of you who might hold membership; it's just what I've called it, but you might consider shredding your membership cards.
Considering my rebranding, I figure I now may qualify for membership. I've found a common thread which makes me fit to be a card-carrying member.
And I could be a card-carrying member right now except that the cards sent to me in the mail have been destroyed. I expect AARP will send me more.
You see, I get tired of unsolicited junk mail almost as much as unsolicited email and phone calls. I can delete spam emails and hang up on unsolicited callers, but I usually have to shred unsolicited mail because my name and, sometimes, other personal information is plastered all over it. And shredding is a pain because you have to open the mail and feed it piece by piece through the shredder to reduce it to confetti.
Because of that, I bought a heavy-duty shredder which allowed me to shred entire pieces of unwanted mail as long as they aren't too thick. Shredding was still a chore because of some of the advertising pieces that contained plastic cards, metal car keys and sample insurance policies with multiple legal-sized pages all stuffed into one envelope. I've been wanting to get a tree-limb shredder to mulch the mail but thought that might be overkill. (You wouldn't believe the household chores I can accomplish with my new leaf blower.)
Anyway, I got a letter from AARP on Friday and just dropped it into the shredder slot, not considering the plastic cards and rubber cement holding the cards to the paper inside. The shredder struggled. The shredder groaned. The shredder faltered. The shredder stopped. I took it apart and carefully removed as much of the AARP material from the blades as possible -- but still the blades wouldn't turn.
A little brake cleaner ought to dissolve the rubber cement, I thought. It might even soften the plastic cards.
I sprayed the brake cleaner into the blades, flipped the switch to on and it looked like the blades might break free.
I did it again and there was a boom and a great ball of fire. The shredder bin now stood open and a fire continued to burn inside.
What I didn't think about at the moment, because of my strong anti-AARP sentiment, was the fact that brake cleaner quickly vaporizes and the vapors are flammable. They were trapped in the shredder bin and just waiting for a spark. I provided that spark when I flipped the switch.
We quickly closed the bin on the shredder to put the fire out and my son took the whole thing outside. Yes, my office smoke alarm is working well.
The hair on my left arm and the left side of my face was singed, and my left hand required a little home first-aid treatment for burns. A little trimming of my mustache and goatee helped my singed appearance, but the shredder still won't shred. I fear some of the plastic parts of the gadget might be permanently deformed. I guess it's now retired.
And I now qualify to be a card-carrying member of the American Association of Retarded People. I've clearly proven my case and have the singed hair to prove it. But what I'm wondering is what kind of discounts I can get as an AARP member on heavy-duty shredders which will turn my junk mail into mulch I can use in the garden. I do think I'll pass on the flame-thrower method of destroying mail.
Randy Moll is the managing editor of the Westside Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. Opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 06/08/2016