The case of the Kelley Farm non-furry creature carcass

This is the country, home to both furry and non-furry (i.e., those animals that emigrated up from Texas) creatures. Every now and then, one of these creatures interferes with the normal operations -- and sometimes the normal sleep patterns -- of a local farmer.

That's when I go to work, I carry a BADGE-er.

My partner Larry Jones and I were working the night shift out of the wildlife homicide division when we got the call to investigate the possible desecration of a body (i.e., the aforementioned non-furry creature).

Rumor had spread throughout the countryside this night that other non-furry creatures may have been responsible for illegally moving the body. Possibly an attempt by said "other" non-furry creatures to perform a proper wilderness burial, perhaps utilizing some ancient Viking ritual, setting a boat on fire and pushing it out into the vast ocean. Being northwest Benton County, a boat and ocean not being readily available, a rotting board and a pond had to suffice.

Our local farmer (Bob Kelley) was reportedly awakened by the sound of stampeding cattle running from a pond that looked to be on fire and was surrounded by screaming armadillos. (What that sounds like we have not yet been able to determine but, apparently, it is louder than farmer Kelley's snoring, according to Mrs. Kelley.)

The eight prominent varieties of armadillos include the nine-banded armadillo, the giant armadillo, the pink fairy armadillo, three-banded armadillo, the northern naked-tailed armadillo, the pichi or dwarf armadillo and, finally, the "screaming hairy armadillo."

We feel with some degree of uncertainty that these were screaming hairy armadillos present the night in question on the Kelley farm.

After extensive interviews with farmer Kelley's cows (from the ones that agreed to talk to us), it was determined that these armadillos were not the hillbilly speed bumps that the cows first thought they were.

And one young calf did remember the original resting place of the deceased carcass.

One very old cow said she has often witnessed screaming hairy armadillos at the local graveyard late at night digging around on freshly-filled graves, although she would not tell us what she was doing at the local graveyard at night -- something about not having farmer Kelley's permission.

Since screaming hairy armadillos are known to prefer soft dirt to find worms and other bugs, Larry Jones was able to determine -- based, no doubt, on his extensive knowledge and all the Sherlock Holmes books he has read -- that the common myth that armadillos are "grave diggers" is not in fact untrue in fiction, but quite possibly true in farming.

Editorial on 05/04/2016