The other day I needed a haircut, which seems to be a recurring theme with me, but that is beside the point. I was actually anxious to see Ron and, hopefully, Bill Mitchell too so I could share a dream with them that I had had the night before. When I walked into Ron's Barbershop, Bill Mitchell was sitting in a chair with a cup of coffee in one hand and the Democrat Gazette in the other. Ron, as usual, was standing behind one of his barber chairs.
"Hey Bill," I said, as I came into the shop. "Hey, Ron, how are you guys doing?"
"Well, hey, Sam! Good to see you, buddy," Bill replied, smiling. Ron, taciturn as always, just motioned to the barber chair, so I sat down to get my hair cut.
"What's new with you, Sam?" Bill asked.
"Well, since you asked, I do have something. I was hoping you would be here this morning since I had something interesting I wanted to share with you and Ron."
"You have something you want to share with both of us?" Ron asked.
"Yeah."
"All right then," Bill said. "Tell us what's on your mind, Sam."
"It happened last night. I had an amazing dream and all three of us were in it."
"Wow, that must have been traumatic," Ron said, chuckling.
"Was it a good dream or a bad dream? Bill asked.
"You can be the judge of that," I said. "The three of us decided to go fishing together."
"Sounds like a good dream to me," Bill joked.
"The good news is that we caught a mess of big old blue gill over on Swepco."
"That's exciting," Ron said. "Who cleaned 'em?"
"Well, that's where the bad news comes in," I said.
"What bad news?" Bill asked.
"There we were catching fish left and right," I said, "when, for some inscrutable reason, Ron decided to stand up in the boat. Next thing you know he lost his balance and the boat capsized. And before you could say 'Jack Sprat,' all three of us were drowned."
"All three of us?" Ron asked. "I figured something bad was going to happen. What I don't understand is why you had to come in here talking about it?"
"But, Ron, the good news is we all went to heaven," I reassured him.
"That's better," Bill said, "For a minute there I was beginning to feel a little depressed myself."
"Yeah, the three of us went to heaven and it was just like all the stories," I said, "St. Peter was there to welcome us and it was beautiful. There was a nice lake out front. The grass was green with flowers blooming everywhere. It was as pleasant as a park and the three of us felt right at home there."
"What did St. Peter have to say?" asked Ron.
"Oh, he was nice enough, I reckon. He welcomed us there and told us to make ourselves comfortable. There was only one thing that we were warned about. You see, right in front of us between where we were standing and the lake, a bunch of little ducks were running around on the ground. St. Peter said that, no matter what, we best not step on one of those ducks or something bad might happen."
"Stop it," Ron said, "You're scaring me."
"As well you might," I said ominously as I caught his eye in the mirror. "There we were," I continued, "when all of a sudden Ron turned around to check out the scenery in back of us and accidentally stepped on a duck. St. Peter saw it right away. That old saint didn't say a word. He just walked over to a nearby door, poked his head inside and, out stepped the most homely woman I had ever seen. St. Peter led that poor ugly creature over to where Ron was standing and handcuffed the two them together."
"I have to admit that right about then I was feeling pretty lucky for not having stepped on a duck when, wouldn't you know it? I stepped on a duck too! I was heartbroken as I watched St. Peter walk over to that door again. The next thing I know another woman was coming out. And, guys, I just thought Ron's woman was ugly. She didn't hold a candle to mine. St. Peter pulls out his handcuffs and there I was handcuffed to what had to be the most homely woman in all of creation, let alone heaven."
"I was contemplating my fate in the light of eternity when St. Peter strode up accompanied by the most beautiful lady any of us had ever seen. He led this gorgeous creature right past me and Ron over to where Bill was standing and handcuffed those two together. Ron and I just stood there, inwardly bemoaning our bad luck. What neither of us could figure out is how Bill came to be so fortunate. We both knew he had probably been better than we had, but we didn't know he had been that much better.
Finally, Ron couldn't stand it anymore. He turned to St. Peter and said, "What's up with Bill getting that beautiful woman? He couldn't have been that much better than me and Sam."
"Oh, Bill wasn't any better than you two," St. Peter said, "in fact, you're missing the whole point."
"Well, what is the point?" I asked, exasperated.
"The point," St. Peter said, matter-of-factly, "is that she stepped on a duck."
Ron could barely finish cutting my hair he was laughing so hard. I never found out what Bill thought about my dream; he was too busy reading the paper.
Sam Byrnes is a Gentry-area resident and weekly contributor to the Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. Opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 07/12/2017