My dear wife, a nurse, often tells me that it can be upsetting to Alzheimer's patients to have a mirror in their rooms because they don't recognize themselves at their real age but remember themselves as much younger. I haven't been diagnosed with Alzheimer's yet and, though not pleased with what I see, I haven't disputed the fact that the old fat man in the mirror is me.
But it's the photographs that trouble me. Maybe it's because I have a frontal view in the mirror and photographs often catch a view from another even-less-pleasing angle.
I try to stay behind the camera but, occasionally, Mrs. Griz starts taking pictures with me in them -- and sometimes without me even knowing that she's taking them. When she shows me those photos or, for reasons I'll never understand, posts them to the World Wide Web for all the world to see, my thoughts are: "It couldn't be me. I'm not that old or that fat!" But, of course, it is me. My wife even verifies it when I ask her about the old, fat man in her photos.
I don't know if that's a sign of the onset of Alzheimer's, but seeing myself as an old and overweight man is a little disheartening. My wife tries to comfort me by telling me it is just bad lighting or a bad angle, but I don't honestly think good lighting or another angle would make me look any younger.
I suppose I should just accept my age and take advantage of every senior discount I can get, but the truth is I don't think of myself as that old or that fat in the midsection. But, as I've been heard to say before, "Cameras don't lie." I am a young man trapped in an old body!
Though I don't think of myself as old, I have more evidence than photographs. I feel it every morning when I get up and almost every time I try to take on physical tasks which used to cause me no pain or shortness of breath. I can't do a lot of things I used to do and, when I get down on my knees to take a photograph or to pick up something I dropped, getting back to my feet again can be a bit challenging.
It's true some regular exercise would help a bit. Eating less might too. But there are some things that just can't be fixed anymore. I'll never be a young man again. And though it would be nice to have the physical agility I had in my youth, I don't really want to go back to being young and not having the wisdom which comes with age. It's somewhat ironic that we so often don't learn what's really important in life until we are too old to do it.
This denial of growing old reminds me of a story I once heard. It was an illustration to teach me something, but I can't remember what that something was -- another bad sign, I suppose. The story went like this:
An old man and his wife lived alone in a small backwoods cabin and had very little contact with the outside world. For a reason I can't remember either, a group of city folks spent a few days camping in the same area.
When they left, the old man found a mirror in the items left behind at the campsite. When he looked into the mirror, he said, "I'll be, it's a picture of Pappy."
The old man took the mirror back to his cabin and hid it away in some of his personal stuff in the loft. While he was out hunting in the woods, his wife sneaked up into the loft to see what her husband had hidden there.
When she came across the mirror and looked into it, she said, "So that's the old hag he's been running around with."
I think I'm beginning to relate -- except, of course, that Mrs. Griz is still young and beautiful!
Randy Moll is the managing editor of the Westside Eagle Observer. He may be reached by email at [email protected]. Opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 11/08/2017