A couple of years ago, I had a stink rise in the pantry and found a dead mouse. My close relative was gone at the time and I was cooking for myself part of the time when I did not eat a burger. Well, the smell was so bad I couldn't eat my chili, so I hunted until I found the dead mouse and cleaned, deodorized and then proceeded to eat my supper out on the porch! It was a traumatic day in my life and I have a vivid recollection of the ordeal.
My close relative left last Monday for a week visiting her sisters and I am once again on my own to manage my feed. I do not hesitate to eat at the coffee emporium at least twice a day but have been faithful to cook something for myself for supper. I have cooked enough to let old Dog enjoy our freedom too! Please do not misunderstand. I like for that close relative to be here; as a matter of fact, I like her! But it is a nice break for both of us for a couple of days and then it stops being fun.
I had laid out some steak in the refrigerator -- that is the proper way to say it -- and had some frozen French fries to fix. I came home about five and when I walked into the house, I gagged! I know this outfit pretty well, could get around in here blindfolded, but I do not know of an opening big enough to allow an elephant to crawl into the attic and die!
It was surely an elephant because a cow couldn't produce that alone! Dead and ripe was the diagnosis, and I was out and calling the offspring on my cell phone. I let them know I needed help, the attic was too dangerous for me to be crawling around in and I wanted both of them ASAP! I made myself very clear: not after a while, now!
I was on the driveway watching and could hear the tires squeal at the corner, the roar of the truck on the drive and was relieved to know they would rescue me from that, whatever elephant it was!
The opening of the attic was small and when entered, the air conditioner ducts were taking up most of the room. Both of the offspring were up there, masked and carrying light you could see to read by a half-mile away! If there had been any cracks in the roof, I could have seen them! The first report was something about all the insulation that had been added and if we can't see the floor joist we might fall through the roof!
I just yelled up something about finding that elephant!
Thirty minutes later, I saw two of them coming down the ladder covered in fibers of nasty insulation. I hoped they would forgive me and not be downright sick because of the experience. They had something in a bucket, a small bucket, sorta like an ice cream pail. That elephant must have rotted away in a hurry if that was all that was left of it!
I backed off and the oldest walked toward the highway in the cow trap we don't even turn the horses in during the summer because of the cockleburs. I knew he was gonna dump that critter out there! My thought was we need to burn it! I'll call the fire department in the a.m. Relief was spreading all over me but I also knew the house still smelled awful! We opened windows while we waited for the dumpee to return and I turned on all the ceiling fans.
It is my opinion, and everyone has one, children cost an awful lot of money to raise. They eat tons, require clothing, bring in buddies to be fed, use the work truck to go sparking and, at times, are like a plague. I have been through the mill with children and lived! So did my close relative and she suffered more than I did! But now I am thankful, so tickled, happy, and will forever be glad I did not drown them the times I wanted to! Go ahead and have children, raise them the best you can and, when you are old and have a dead elephant in your attic, you will celebrate too!
It was a squirrel, a big one, maybe even a great big one! Just be kind to your own offspring and Remember the Alamo!
Bill is the pen name used by the Gravette-area author of this weekly column. Opinions expressed are those of the author.