I finished the chores yesterday morning and got the mail before I headed to town to get some minerals. I found the male offspring lollygagging around at the feed store and sent them on back to take care of the business of raising cattle.
I was disappointed to find only three fellers at the office of the feed store leaning against the counter and shooting the bull. There wasn’t anyone in the back sitting on sacks because it was too cold for them.
I peddled back home pretty fast and invited the close relative to take a little road trip with me, and she accepted the invite. We cleaned up and put on town clothes and took off to places unknown, not to me but unknown to her.
When you are out to buy a fat hog, a fat ready-to-butcher hog, you might as well plan on a long day. I had in mind the journey would be enjoyable and we could be home before dark. Think again, poor boy! Who knew that hogs are not in every back yard anymore? How in the heck do folks buy schoolshoes for their offspring if they don’t raise a litter of hogs to sell? And another thing, don’t they need to butcher for their own use?
I drove down every single road in the county to each place I knew of that had a hog pen and even some places just hoping they might have one. No hogs, not many dogs and dang few people did we find. Almost all the country folks are gone from early morning to late evenings working in town at a factory or pushing a pen at some desk. My close relative corrected me there, reminding me that some are selling wares at the king-size stores around here.
It was around 4 o’clock in the afternoon, we still had not found a hog sty and I was getting hungry and getting somewhat cranky. I hit a paved road and we followed it around till we found a town with an ice cream store. We pulled in and ordered hamburgers and malts, sat in the truck, ate and didn’t even talk. I was puzzled, and my close relative was ready to go to the store and buy some bacon!
Well, I figure the day was pretty much lost, and on the way to our headquarters I mentioned that I was gonna build a nice hog pen down on the east side of the old hay barn. I mentioned the old sump hole that filled with water when it rained and said out loud that it was gonna make a perfect hog wallow and we could raise our own ham.
It is my opinion, and everyone has one, it is a wonder the things that can cause an immediate rise in blood pressure.
My close relative’s face got white, then red, and she tore into me with all her might! I was informed that we would sell a couple of steers if need be, just to furnish the pork meat we desired, but we would not be needing a hog sty on the place! Did I not realize that hogs produce an odor unlike any other animal?
Needless to say, but I’m gonna say it anyhow, never argue with your cook and bottle washer over such touchy subjects. I am slow but I finally learn, and breakfast without bacon was sorta lean this morning. But the list I found under my coffee cup had bacon, ham and sausage listed as needed. She had also clipped a signed check to it!
Bill is the pen name used by the Gravette author of this weekly column.
Opinion, Pages 5 on 02/01/2012