DECATUR — An ugly-man contest has been set for Aug. 6 at this year’s Decatur Barbecue. Entries will be judged based on their poor physical appearance, lack of public speaking ability and crudeness.
The contest will be held on the stage in Veterans Park following the Miss Decatur Barbecue Pageant. Winners will be blown a kiss from the newly crowned Miss Decatur Barbecue — from a distance no closer than 20 feet — and will receive an ugly plaque suitable for hanging someplace in the shop or garage.
Qualifications for contest entrants include the following:
Must be 50-plus years of age or look it;
Must be overweight by a minimum of 50 pounds or be so skinny you look a bit sickly;
Must be unshaven for at least two or three weeks or have an untrimmed beard or mustache;
Must not have bathed within the last two weeks;
Must look unkept, with hair and beard uncombed and ratty;
Must wear soiled and sweaty clothing.
Other factors which may favorably influence the judges are stains from chewing-tobacco juices on the beard and clothing; holes and tears in pants and shirts; a soiled ball cap or a cowboy hat with dirty sweat rings. Missing teeth are a plus, as well.
Key parts of the competition will include casual wear, fishing duds and go-to-meeting wear. Of course, the contestants who wear the same pair of worn and tattered bib overalls in all three categories are most likely to win.
“In these days of anti-discrimination suits, we thought we had better have an event for the men, just to make things fair,” said Shef Hereford, pageant director for the new contest. “We were warned by the ACLU that it was discriminating against old and ugly men to just have pageants for the the pretty, young girls. This pageant should fix that,” he added.
“I like the idea of the pageants,” said Beatrice Longnecker, president of the Decatur Mature Women’s Guild. “We get tired of seeing all these skinny young girls walking around on stage in their pretty outfits and stealing the show. We want to see some men who are past their prime and need the help of a good, mature woman to clean them up just a bit.”
To enter the event, men should fill out their application forms with greasy hands — preferably after changing the oil in the old tractor or repacking the wheel bearings on the pickup truck — and mail it along with two oil filter box tops in a second-hand envelope to The Ugly Man Contest, Box MT, Decatur, AR 72722.
Due to the number of entries, applications will be screened and only those who receive a call from our ugly screening committee will be able to compete on stage in the finals of the contest August 6th.
“I’m planning to send in my entry form today,” said Darrell Hornbristle of Possum Holler, near Decatur. “My wife keeps telling me I’m the ugliest man on earth and she don’t know why on earth she ever married me. She’s a downright good judge of character, too, so I know I’ll win this thing without even smiling to show off my three front teeth.”
Pokemon Hunt
Judging by the calls we've received, we expect there may be quite a crowd of credulous Pokemon hunters at Gentry's contest in the park on Saturday in spite of the uncredible report in last week's column on the subject.
Just to be sure on the numbers, we ask all those who are planning to come to raise their hands. We want to get a head count.
S.A. Tired covers fictitious news from an unrealistic perspective for the Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. News and views in Spinning the News are claimed by no one else but the author.
General News on 07/27/2016