GENTRY — A local Farcebook user was convicted last week in connection to a fall incident in which he reportedly pulled his hair out and screamed, "Oh, no!" at the top of his lungs on a football Friday night before going on a loud rampage in his home and alarming other Tweeter and Farcebook users. Police were called to calm him down, according to information leaked to the press by a string of twits from a local Tweeter user last fall.
Sheila P., the Farcebook user's wife (or possibly a mother, daughter, sister or some significant other who was there to twit about the event), explained the whole ordeal in multiple twits on her Tweeter account. The Farcebook user, whose name she only posted as Steve, was apparently a huge Pioneer football fan and was following the game, play-by-play, on his Farcebook account.
The Pioneers scored a touchdown in the first quarter and were up, 14-6, at the half, according to the intermittent Farcebook news posts on Friday night. Then in the third quarter, the Lions pulled within one point with a touchdown and point after, another post said. A late fourth-quarter field goal by the Pioneers, with 1 minute, 58 seconds left in the game, gave the Pioneers a 4-point advantage.
The last Farcebook post from the game said the Lions had the ball on the Pioneer 5-yard line with 10 seconds left in the contest. Farcebook user Steve watched his smart phone and waited for the final results, according to twits from Sheila. He saw recipes for lemon bars with chocolate stripes. His sister-in-law posted a video of her dog trying to catch a fly. A friend he didn't even know posted photos of Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton in an ugly-face contest. He accepted three friend requests from women he'd never seen before -- their pictures weren't bad looking -- and he waited.
And.... And.... Well, whoever was posting to Farcebook apparently went home after the last play or two of the football game and failed to say what happened and post the final score. We still don't know who won the game -- Farcebook and Tweeter were silent about the final moments of that rivalry game -- but Rick twitteredly lost it. His phone was in pieces, a twit said, and after about 45 minutes of negotiations with police, Steve finally agreed that he wouldn't be able to alter the final results of the game by yelling and screaming even if he were to find out who won the contest.
While Sheila tweetered about the whole ordeal and picked up five new followers, Steve went to his computer and shared his experiences on Farcebook and asked if anyone knew the final results of the game. Twenty-nine Farcebook users clicked the Like button on his post, including one of his new friends who was apparently from some country in eastern Europe, but no one told him the score.
The judge in the case, according to a twit from the court reporter who asked us to keep her Tweeter user name anonymous, sentenced Steve to view Farcebook's anger-management help page before attempting to follow any sporting events on Farcebook again this fall. He was also ordered to use a military-spec smart phone which would be less likely to go to pieces in the event Farcebook chose to block a post about a final score from his view and made him search through thousands of other meaningless posts about which he cared nothing.
Don't worry, Steve. Your hair may grow back before your Farcebook reporter keeps you posted on the opening Pioneer football game late this summer. May the Farce be with you!
In another twit from the courtroom, we learned a case involving an illicit photo allegedly posted on ClickChat was dismissed when the photograph suddenly vanished from the social media site, leaving no evidence of any violation.
S.A. Tired covers fictitious news from an unrealistic perspective for the Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. News and views in Spinning the News are claimed by no one else but the author.
Editorial on 06/15/2016