"The problem with information found on the internet, is whether or not it's correct." Abraham Lincoln -- 1862
I enjoy reading good satire and what may be described as off-the-wall-humor, so it should be no surprise to anyone that I would be a fan of "The Onion." "The Onion" is an online satirical newspaper. Each week "The Onion" features numerous, tongue-in-cheek articles that I find pretty amusing.
For instance, this past week there was an article titled, "Report: More companies offering paid maternity leave to mothers who complete 3 months of work ahead of time." The article goes on to say that, "according to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time.
"We strive to be accommodating to our employees as they start families, which is why we're granting paid time off to any expectant mothers who go on maternity leave having already completed the following 90 days' worth of their normal tasks and responsibilities," said Adam Ewert, CEO of Ewert Daniels Consulting, one of the companies mentioned in the report, adding that any women interested in taking advantage of the policy simply had to notify their manager and arrange for their absence by finishing their regular workload as well as all projects and assignments that would be expected in the ensuing financial quarter.
"We want to make sure our female employees don't have to choose between motherhood and their careers and, provided they finish three extra months of reports, send three extra months of emails and make three extra months of presentations before they have their babies, this policy lets women take the time they need without setting themselves back at the workplace," Daniels said.
This report also found that a rising number of businesses are now offering flexible scheduling to new mothers interested in working for an effectively meaningless fraction of their previous pay.
Then there's the following headline: "Parents of crying child must not be any good." Noting that the parents' ..."failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good. Initial attempts to subdue the wailing child, which reportedly included presenting her with a bottle and later with a stuffed animal, are said to have failed miserably, leading onlookers to conclude that the inept adults lacked even the most basic child-rearing skills. In addition, the baby's incessant screaming only worsened following the couple's repeated attempts to soothe her, further highlighting their profound inadequacies as a mother and father. At press time, sources confirmed another child just a few feet away from the bawling infant was not crying and was therefore being raised by good parents who loved her."
Most any young couple can relate to how some people do judge you on how your child behaves. "The Onion" usually touches on issues that have some relevance to everyday life.
Some of the articles are hilarious as well as instructive. For instance, some are health-related with titles like the following: "Stomach sets aside synthetic additives until it has a few minutes to figure out how to digest them," or "Man who stopped diet already seeing results," or "New gym member lingers by free weights for several seconds before returning to elliptical machine."
Other articles cover topics like the political scene, with headlines such as the following; "Trump sits down beside fire with quill and ink for evening writing tweets," in which we learn that, ..."retiring to his candlelit study with a hot mug of chamomile tea as he does every night, presidential candidate Donald Trump reportedly sat down beside a crackling fire Thursday with his quill and ink for a long evening of writing out tweets.
"Leave my dinner by the door if you would -- I need to be alone with my thoughts now," Trump called to his butler, as he slowly leaned back in his leather armchair, pressed his outstretched index finger to his chin, and quietly contemplated the composition of a tweet critiquing Hillary Clinton's economic vision for the country, then carefully dipped the goose-feather quill into the inkwell on his desk and scrawled the missive, before abruptly shaking his head, crumpling up the piece of parchment, and tossing it aside. 'No, no! Oh, this will never do. The phrasing is all wrong. Think, Donald, think! You must articulate your thoughts perfectly if you are to truly capture the most misguided elements of Hillary Clinton's economic agenda and convey the noxious effects they would have on the working class in your tweet.' After nearly an hour of silent rumination, a pleased Trump reportedly scratched out the phrase, 'Crooked Hillary will be bad for jobs. She has no clue! Sad!' before setting down his quill in peaceful contentment and using his candle snuffer to tamp out his reading light for the evening."
Don't you just love contemplating such a scene? I certainly do!
But I have to say, not all of the articles found on "The Onion's" website are silly. Some of them are serious and can be useful. The following is a perfect example of that.
"How to talk to your child about racism"
Here are "The Onion's" tips for discussing the difficult topic of racism with your child.
1. If you are having trouble finding the right entry point to the topic, wait a couple of hours for some new national tragedy to spur the discussion.
2. Be sure to provide your child with the full historical context surrounding racism, beginning with American slavery and ending with the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
3. They'll value your honesty. Both "I don't know" and "Christ, I said I don't know, Taylor!" are perfectly valid answers to their questions.
4. Invite a Chinese stranger to your home and have your children sit next to them on the couch until they feel at ease. Repeat for all other races.
5. Remind kids it's okay to notice ethnicity as long as you avoid talking about it until you get in the car.
6. Don't forget to unconsciously impart all of your racial biases during the discussion.
7. Go ahead and slip in some admonitions in favor of safe sex and responsible driving if the opportunity arises.
8. If your child is upset or uncomfortable, rest assured that you have conveyed the situation to them fully and accurately.
"The Onion," a must read for many.
Sam Byrnes is a Gentry-area resident and weekly contributor to the Eagle Observer. He may be contacted by email at [email protected]. Opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 05/18/2016