I am not gonna tell you a big hairy tale about my problem. I got skunk juice on me because it just happened. That is all I am gonna say about that. Well, I could add that the dang thing made me stink or, as my close relative says, reek! I will eventually become unstunk, and I know that is not a word that your mind will accept but, if you could smell me, you would be glad for me to become unstunk because right now I stink! Not just me, the truck got it, too. And poor old Dog unloaded and ran back to the house like an antelope with a lion after it. I guess it was like that; I can't say I ever saw it, personally.
If I were a game warden, I might have known that some places that are interesting to poke with a stick could possibly be the napping place of varmints. I was standing around watching the new fall calves sprint, duck and dive at each other. I just picked up a stick and was fooling with it, scooting it around on the ground and not paying attention to anything but the calves. I turned around to open the door of the truck and, as I started to toss the stick away, I saw a funny looking place that sorta resembled a nest in a concave place by the tree I was under. I just poked it, and that critter was madder than a wasper when you fiddle with its nest. He came out and flew around and shot me dead!
The fall calves are doing well. I am thrilled to say we have had some Bermuda grass that was almost two-foot tall and praise the good Lord for that hay. I may exaggerate a little here, but it was just about as pretty as a beagle pup! We were terribly worried about our lack of hay and, once again, He has supplied what we need! The cows that are springing will be done by the middle of next month. Some had not settled the first time, and so they are later. Sure can't complain about the crop!
I am ready to start a list of old cows to cull this spring. The old hides have all done a good job and if we send them to town in the second trimester, they will do a job for a buyer and I won't feel bad about a feller buying an old cow. I know the vet will age them and preg check before the ring dance, but I sure hate to see a real needy feller buy an old hide.
I visited the local vet for advice this morning. He assured me that his formula for removal of the worst smelling offense that could ever happen to a nice feller like me would work. He said it might take a while, three or four times of dousing myself with it and then the truck also has to be deodorized or just burn it. I had already given up my pants, shirt, boots, hat and even my belt to be destroyed. I went home with the recipe, so my close relative could go into a store to purchase it. I knew I would not be welcome.
It is my opinion, and everyone has one, this is about as bad as being in jail for robbing a filling station and only getting away with old dusty bags of peanuts marked 5 cents! I am not wanted at home, in the feed store, the coffee emporium, church or the sale barn! I am considered the leper of the county and for good reason! There is a moral to this misery. I know I have laughed about some folks having terrible things occur that aren't dangerous; but, folks, let me say this about that: This ain't a laughing matter! The scientists of this world can send a man to the moon but they can't get rid of the skunk juice on a feller.
Keep smiling, I am not coming to see you!
Bill is the pen name used by the Gravette-area author of this weekly column. Opinions expressed are those of the author.
Editorial on 09/19/2018